Okay, now that I’ve had a couple of weeks to digest it, I’ve found myself on a high-horse about this Rise of Skywalker movie. So here are some brief points I’d like to sputter out:
1. Stupid name. Even if Rey was a skywalker, which it turns out that she isn’t, this makes no sense as a name as far as the story goes.
2. lightspeed hopping. Oh, come on now… purely dumb. As has been stated very clearly, when traveling through hyperspace, you need to stay away from objects, you also usually seem to need to be a bit out of the way before jumping. Hopping back and forth from planet surfaces seems like something that would end in instant death, plus, you couldn’t really program that jump in…… This ridiculous hopping was totally unneeded, awkward, and dumb.
3. Snoke/Palaptine. Palatine is dead… Face it. Snoke was a fine replacement, in fact, better than Palaptine was in the first place. Trying to now angle snoke out of the way and replace him with tired dumb old paplatine is a terrible idea.
4. Oh my god! The attack against the sith fleet! There’s hardly anyone who will help the resistance, then suddenly a zillion ships appear out of flipping nowhere! In one of the hokiest looking scenes I’ve seen in a star wars movie…
5. Um. It makes no sensse that the star destroyers can’t fly Up without a navigational beacon… They’re fucking spaceships. Now they cant find space when they’re floating in the atmosphere?
6. Rey’s parents. I never believed Ren when he said that rey’s parents were nobodies, obviously that wouldn’t make much sense. But the solution was even dumber than it would have been if they were nobodies.
7. Most of all… Where the hell is Rose? She was the best character in Last Jedi. And she was propelled into a key role, and then plopped in the background of Rise of Skywalker like a cardboard cutout in the distance… Was she too good? She was humble, always hopeful, strong, honest, did the right thing like 100% of the time, regardless of risk, self-sacrificing… Exactly how a resistance fighter should be. Lame, so lame, that she was dropped out in the next movie. While that annoying Poe guy still gets to stick around and be all jerky all the time.
Here’s my new order of the series:
2. Rogue One
3. Star Wars
4. Empire Strikes Back
5. Force Awakens
6. Last Jedi.
Six, that should be enough for me…
But what about those 5 other movies that bear the name?
1. Return of the Jedi, a hokey and silly piece of junk that Lucas made to get back at those sneaky dudes for making a great and serious film (empire) while he was busy in California
2. whatever that “episode one” is called: revisionist history* BS
3. the next one: revisionist history bs,
4. the third one: revisionist history BS
5. Rise of Skywalker: revisionist history BS.
Stop with the revisionist history. Star Wars, Empire, Last Jedi are the best versions of the story! Stop trying to unmake them with garbage followups…
On the other hand… It’s all done now, so I can have my movies and just stop worrying about the rest.
* revisionist history (what the more generous people call Retcon), retroactively re-framing something that already happened and undermining the experiences of those which came before you, with an intent to mislead or control the debate.